This is my first blog post. I have gone back and forth with the idea for years, but have never had anything to say that I felt was worth saying. After competing in the CrossFit South Central Regional's during Memorial Day weekend, I grew as an athlete and have decided to share my experience to anyone who is willing to read this.
In the months prior to and during the Open, I went through a brief period where I felt like I didn't want to do it anymore. The stress of training was too great, it limited my performance at work and in school prior to graduation, and my husband hated me on most days, though I can't blame him for it. I was a pain in the ass and as the season progressed, it got worse. More than anything, I was afraid to fail. On bad days, the thought of not making it back to the CrossFit Games devastated me. I thought that if I didn't make it back I was a failure. I wasn't good enough and everyone would judge me. Getting another chance at it the next year was also hard to imagine. The level of this sport is growing at a rapid rate and every year it gets more and more difficult to make it back to the big show. Even though a part of me was reluctant to compete, the desire to win was always in my heart.
I trained my ass off. I ate it, I slept it, I even gave up coffee for it (Coach's decision, not mine, ha)! It was all I ever thought about and my mind was solely on making it back to the Games for the third time. I went into Regional's with the confidence that I would make the podium and I didn't just dream of it, deep down in the pit of my heart and my soul I truly believed it. Every day I read and rehearsed my directive affirmation. I wrote it down on a small crumpled up piece of paper that was taped to my bathroom mirror, read and visualized what I was reading every day, and even wrote down the same sentence each day, "I am the 2013 South Central Regional Champion!" I visualized myself performing with excellence and standing on the podium with a gold medal around my neck. I was going to win it!
To summarize the weekend, I felt like my performance over the weekend was my absolute best effort given the typical circumstances of any competition. I hit a Pr on "Jackie," a Pr on the DL/BJ event which I won during a live stream on the games site, and I proved that I am still in contention for a trip back to California. Many strangers' came up to me on numerous occasions to let me know I had inspired them. In my mind there was no way I could inspire others unless I had proven myself worthy of the Games again. I was in denial. I hadn't stood on the podium yet. How could I inspire anyone? I remember walking back into the crowd after the 100's workout to say hello to my friends for a moment. I was greeted by some of my kiddo's from our CrossFit Kids program and I had never seen them so excited to see me. They greeted me with excitement and there was an obvious change in their attitudes about me. I had positively impacted them and it was an awesome feeling.
When Sunday arrived, my future came down to the final event. I was sitting in 4th, three spots away from another trip to the Games. I gave it everything I had, but when I stepped onto the finish mat, I watched as the other ladies finished knowing it was close, clinging to any chance of hope there was, but deep down knowing it wasn't enough. It was in that very moment I learned what had taken me four years to fully understand. I looked out into the crowd to watch the excitement on everyone's faces and listened closely to their roars that echoed throughout the coliseum. In that moment, it hit me like a truck. It wasn't just about making the CrossFit Games. I looked around again at my husband, friends, and the other competitor's. I wasn't a failure in that moment because I didn't make the Games. I was a champion to the eyes of many! Just as I had imagined and had wrote down every day prior to that minute, I had moved the crowd and everyone who was watching me closely enough and though I didn't win a medal, I felt a great sense of pride. For me, making the Games this year would have been a fantastic perk in this incredible journey.
The next morning, I posted the following on Facebook to summarize what I had learned:
It's the Monday after Regional's and I never thought I would be up at 5 in the morning, having not earned a podium spot, and still absolutely proud of my performance over the weekend. I went into this season with feelings that this would be my last attempt at the Games. I was falling out of love with the idea of competition because I was so focused on the things that didn't matter instead of the things that do. This weekend, I fell back in love with what I do because the CrossFit community is unbelievably strong. The crowd this weekend, combined with the level of athlete's this sport has produced, cannot be described in words. It is simply beautiful. I have learned so much from my experiences competing that I am beginning to see the bigger picture. It is not always about winning or losing. It is about giving it everything you have even in times when things don't always go your way or in times where the pain seems unbearable. It is about all of your successes over the course of each event, the positives and not the negatives, and growing from your experiences. It is about those you inspire, especially the kiddo's who watch and are inspired by your drive and spirit on the sidelines, and it is about being the best damn athlete you can be! It has taken me four years to learn that. I can honestly say that I gave it everything I had this weekend and I woke up today with my head held high. I cannot even begin to thank my husband Tony, my Coach, Coach Dutch, my CrossFit Iron Horse and CrossFit EST crew, Lululemon Fort Worth, my sponsor's, all of the judges and staff that gave their time and energy this weekend, the athlete's who make me better (every single one of those girls), and the community who continues to lift me up when I am down. I will continue to compete for as long as my body allows (or for as long as my baby yearning husband allows, ha!). I love this community and this sport. Thank you all so much!
During the weekend, I controlled the only thing that I could and that was my own performance. I gave it all I had and in the end, it wasn't my turn, but that's what makes this sport great. The harder you have to work to achieve something, the more valuable it becomes. I had taken competition for granted, but I have been reminded of how much it truly means to me to compete at my best and not just for myself, but for anyone who looks up to me as well. This is my purpose. This is my sport and one day, I hope to make it back to the CrossFit Games and inspire many more because to me, THAT is really what this journey is all about.
